


The Challenge

by trepkos



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: First Time, M/M, Single combat, Slash, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-07-05
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:10:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trepkos/pseuds/trepkos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur feels threatened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after episode 3: The Challenge  
> Chapter 1 incorporates dialogue written by Terence Feely.  
> Thanks to Ideserveyou for very helpful beta.  
> Arthur and Kai deal with the aftermath of their first coupling; their POVs alternate.  
> Others present are their adoptive father, Llud, and the squabbling cousins, Garet and Gawain.

_I’ve had ants crawling under my skin all day. This morning Kai was insufferably cocky: more confident than ever, while pretending to be so concerned for my well-being …_

_I feel stripped to the bone._

_Having to spend my time knocking the heads of these two idiots together is the last thing I need._

“God! I’ll kill you!”

“As your father tried to kill mine! But you will meet with no more success than he!”

“Who was it who stole my father’s inheritance? His own brother, the brigand who spawned you.” 

_If we Celts can’t get along together, how can we hope to defeat our enemies?  
It seems I must fight the same battles over and over again._

_Though one thing I do not intend to repeat is my latest lapse of judgement._

“He took back what was his by right.”

“To my father they were promised. And this quarrel is settled now.”

_Yes: by me._

_I must deal with this, before the other matter._

_I throw a spear into the trunk of the tree behind them, splitting them apart._

“Animals!”

_And so were we …_

~~

_What is wrong with Arthur? He’s been in a foul mood since waking, and now, all pretence at diplomacy has been abandoned. He berates his chosen deputies as he would a pair of unruly children._

“You’re cousins. Your fathers were one flesh, one blood. Yet you act like sworn enemies.”

_But their combative nature was known to Arthur … he chose them because of it!_

_He tosses his spear to me, with barely a glance in my direction._

“Your men butcher one another. And now you look for death by your own swords.”

_And now I am to carry those swords, also._

~~

“I don’t know how it comes to this.”

_I don’t know how I came to this._

“It all starts from nothing.”

_It all started with one too many horns of mead._

“Then the feud that lives deep in our hearts takes us over.”

_Then the desire that lives deep in my heart took me over._

“For my part you could kill each other any day you wish. But I gave you the command of the two villages guarding me from the north. Three times now the Saxons have swept through and been at my throat before I knew it, because you were too busy fighting each other to stop them.” 

_A Saxon swept through my defences last night … He was at my throat, my lips, my …_

“You’re a broken shield at my back. What I need is men at my shoulder blades, not murderous squabbling boys.”

_What I need is to feel Kai’s hand on me again._

_…_

_What I need is more self-discipline._

“Arthur, we know we’ve put you in danger.”

_I’ve put myself in danger – put my command in danger._

“You’ve put all my people in danger.”

_Because now, though it is not possible, I feel certain that everyone knows what we did; what I let Kai do …_

“It won’t happen again, I swear it.”

_And I swear they are laughing at me behind my back. I feel my authority slipping away …_

“No, it won’t happen again, I’ll make sure of that.”

_They will see who is in command._

“You’re banished to Gaul, both of you. Get on your horses.”

~~

_We take it at an easy pace, through open country, but Arthur rides ahead – instead of beside me, as was our habit._

_Perhaps I went too far last night. But he came to me in need, and his lithe body seemed so willing beneath me – wanting it even more than I. Or so I thought._

“Gaul. What will we do in Gaul? It’s a land of savages.”

_Yes, he had drunk too much, but so had I. I did not force myself on him … a least, it was not my intent. I am no savage._

“And you should do very well there.”

_I laugh at Arthur’s joke, hoping for some response – some sign, some word – but he does not even glance in my direction. I feel strange … cast adrift._

“Take away our commands, give the villages to others. But we don’t deserve banishment.”

“Your kind of fever spreads. When the arm is poisoned, the arm is cut off. You go to Gaul.”

_What? Am I poison now? A festering limb that must be severed?_

“Arthur. You’re a man who uses his mind. Tell me if what I say is true. The poison is my cousin and I together. Is this what you mean?”

“I do.”

_So we two are poison together? Arthur? Is that what you think?_

“Then all you have to do is send one of us away, not both. Send me to Gaul. Leave Gawain here by his own hearth.”

_They do not know it, but their punishment is for my transgression; or perhaps it is a warning to me._

“Arthur. Let me go to Gaul. Leave Garet with his family.”

_If he should send me away …_

I say, “These are the two who were trying to kill each other a moment ago.”

_Still, Arthur does not acknowledge me._

_It seems one may suffer banishment and yet never leave these shores._

“I spoke first!”

“I am the elder, therefore the senior.”

“My father was the elder, therefore the senior brother. I inherit that privilege.”

“He was the elder by twelve months. And that only meant that he was one year slower.”

_Their squabbles sound like the chatter of magpies._

“Slower than yours? He could split your father’s skull before he could blink.”

_I feel a sudden chill._

**“He couldn’t split an apple with a new-forged blade!”**

I ride on past the cousins, and fall in beside Arthur; still, he has nothing to say to me. 

“All those who are close by blood ties have their differences. Only holy men and cowards agree all the time. We can work together when we have to. Isn’t that so, Garet?” 

“Yes. Yes, that’s so.”

_The fools unhorse us, and escape, making fools of us all; but I am the first to be mounted up again. I set off after the miscreants. If I can capture them, it may bring me back into Arthur’s good graces._

~~

“Not that way!”

“Not this way? What are they? Eagles? They can fly back over our head?”

_Why must Kai cross me? Always and ever, he crosses me._

“No. Foxes, that will split up and circle behind us.”

_He has no understanding of tactics._

_Yet he breached my fortress walls with consummate ease, and took me …_

“They’ll fly as straight as two arrows.” 

_And even though I know he’s wrong, where he leads, I follow: as I followed his lead last night. I should not show such weakness. I must make him defer to me._

“They’ll try to head back to their camps. You take the west, I’ll go east.”

~~

_We go different ways to achieve the same goal – it was ever thus._

“This new spear against your dagger that I get mine first.” 

_I think perhaps a friendly competition will ease this tension between us._

~~

_Why must everything be a competition?_

“Good, I need a new spear.”

_We go our separate ways._

~~

_Our horses are sweating from the chase, their skin twitching to chase away the flies. Gawain seems resigned to his fate. He did not struggle as I bound his hands, and now we talk amiably, wondering how long it will be before Garet is caught._

_“He’s a sly one,” Gawain tells me. “He will not be easy to catch.”_

_Perhaps, before long, I will have Arthur’s dagger in my hands._

_That thought sets me on fire. I shift my position – push my horse a pace or two ahead, so Gawain will not see._

_At last, Arthur and Llud appear, with Garet in tow. Surely Arthur must be pleased to see that I have made my capture._

“We became impatient, waiting for you.”

~~

_Why does Kai have to be so smug? I’ll wipe that smile off his face._

“I captured mine first. Then I went to find Llud.”

~~

_Even now he is displeased with me; I don’t know what to do._

_With others present, I can only pretend that everything is normal._

“Llud, you were up on the ridge, you had a bird’s eye view.”

_Our father will give a fair reply._

“Nothing to choose between you.”

_I frown. Llud is trying to protect Arthur; or me. I’m not sure which would be more galling._

“But who made his capture first?”

_Llud was snoring when we left him last night: his head on the table. He cannot know what passed …_

“It’s of no importance.”

_It is to me. Who will Llud favour?_

“Who?”

_He gives Arthur the decision; I can scarcely believe it._

“By the time it takes one wave to roll onto the beach.”

_I feel our captives’ eyes upon me, marking me for a fool. Gawain smirks openly. I shouldn’t care, but … I can’t hide my disappointment, as I take the spear from where it hangs beside my saddle._

“I owe you my new spear.”

“Keep it.”

_That’s not what you said last night, Little Brother._

_Nor is it what I want to hear._

“I had the unfair advantage. I knew their minds.”

_He rubs my face in his victory. But I will not go back on a wager – and what Arthur does not want, is of no use to me._

_I launch the spear; it lands some distance away._

“You must be tired. It’s been a long day.”

_Why must he denigrate me in front of these lesser chiefs?_

_Was what we did so distressing? It did not seem so at the time; his cries were not cries of pain. He throws his spear – a shorter distance, by the width of a few blades of grass. I do not trouble to point it out. I will beat him again, and it will be plain for all to see, who has the greater length._

Llud says, “It’s time to go.”

_But I’m not ready to go._

“I didn’t know it was a contest.” 

_I throw again. The spear lands farther away than the one already in the ground._

“Not bad for a tired man.” 

_Arthur does not hear me. He takes his turn._

_His throw is far short of mine, and I see no reason to hold my tongue, when he does not._

“What’s the matter? You break an arm?”

_I throw again; again mine is the longer. I think I’ve proved my point._

_Arthur disagrees. He leans in close – but only to taunt, by denying me. He does not touch me. He does not let his hair brush my cheek, as it did when he rode me – our second coupling._

“Distance isn’t everything. It’s accuracy that counts.”

_I must have wounded you deeply, Little Brother, when I hit my mark last night._

“Huh!”

_I laugh and walk away. Arthur follows close behind, yet he is still so far away; I wonder, will he ever come back to me?_

“I was pinning frogs’ legs before I could talk.”

~~

_Like he pinned me last night. Pinned me beneath him, and took what he wanted – and I allowed it. But it felt so right – like coming home. I could not help myself. If he tells anyone …_

_Perhaps, while they were waiting, he has already bragged about it to Gawain …_

“It must have been irksome – not being able to tell anyone about it.”

~~

_He is sharp; but sometimes I forget how young he is. I should not be angry with him. My reply is calm: just a gentle tease._

“I can tell them about it now.”

~~

_No!_

“Come on!” Llud calls out. “This is no feast day. We have work ahead of us.”

_Kai does not heed him; neither will I._

_But even now, I follow in his wake, trying to catch up._

~~

“He’s calling me a braggart.” 

_I touch Arthur’s hand, to let him know that he is safe; that I would never brag about what we did._

“Let him stand to his word.”

_We make a target from an old skin, and together we fix it to a tree. For a while, all seems as it should be. This is a contest of skill, nothing more._

“You first.”  
 _  
I was your first last night._

“No, you first.”

“I give preference to the man who claims the eyes of a hawk.”

_I was your first last night: and look where that has led us._

“I waive the preference. I wouldn’t want to discourage you.”

~~

_I hate the way nothing can shake Kai’s confidence. But I have a good eye. I throw twice, and hit the target both times._

“Should I take them out? I would not want to disturb you.”

~~

_He is angry with me, yet. What does he want from me? What was done cannot be undone – nor would I take back one moment that we lay together._

“So long as you don’t mind having your shaft split.”

_My own crudity disturbs me. I throw twice, and miss; my second shot is worse than my first, and Arthur is well pleased._

“Your man would be wounded. Mine, dead.”

_I put on a brave face._

“Yours would have taken them on his shield. Mine would have surprised him.”

~~

_Usually I would laugh at Kai’s attempt to weasel out of his defeat._

_But not today._

“Wouldn’t have surprised me.”

“I see. So you have a better shield arm too, have you?”

_I had no defence against you, Kai._

“I did not say that.”

“No, nor should you.”

_He has such scant respect for me: less now, than before. Perhaps there is something I can teach him after all._

“Nor should I. To state the obvious is a tedious pastime.”

~~

_He is determined to fight me; why? Perhaps I should give Arthur what he wants: again. I turn to glare at him._

“Would you care to prove that?”

_He stands there, out of reach, and smirks._

“I see that it is necessary.”

“Yes. I think it is.”

…

“You behave like children – both of you.”

_But children do not play such deadly games. Llud is worried, and so am I. The fleece we are binding around our spearheads will do little to soften a hit from such a weapon. It is a sham, which fools not one of us._

“Don’t be so grim, Llud.” 

_Arthur looks at me with a challenge in his eyes._

“Ready?”

_I am not ready – not to fight Arthur, nor should I be. Nevertheless, I nod. Arthur set this in motion; he wants to play it out, and if I had it in me to back down, the mood Arthur is in today, he would take my surrender as an insult._

“Young men must have their sport.”

_Last night was not just sport to me, Arthur._

_And this is a more deadly game than we played while Llud was sleeping._

“Sport? What do you know about sport? I trained you both for battle.”

_Yes, Llud, and you trained us well._

_Perhaps too well._

_My studded tunic is stowed behind my saddle. I would be wise to put it on, for what protection it provides. But I can’t believe – don’t want to believe – that Arthur will really do me harm. ‘A fighting man in practice has a duty to be careful.’ That’s what he tells the youngsters, when he is training them with their wooden swords and shields._

_But this is not practice. It is a contest Arthur has engineered between us. He wants to prove himself my better. He must prove it upon my body, and I must let him. But I will not wear the tunic. I will show trust in him, even if I regret it, as he is now regretting the trust he showed in me last night, though I do not know why._

_I put out my hand, and Llud reluctantly throws me my shield._

_Arthur and I stand a distance away from each other: spears and shields at the ready. I have no wish to harm my brother; neither can I do him the dishonour of letting him win, as I used to do when we were children._

“Huh!”

_I feint, to confound Arthur’s timing. We throw again and again, taking the spears on our shields, until I hit Arthur on the shoulder._

_Arthur hits my shield, then throws again before I am prepared, falling over as he strives for ascendancy. His spear hits my leg._

_I throw again, but Arthur is punctilious._

“Without the binding your leg would be out of action.”

_I can be just as nice._

“But I could still ride.”

_I run for my horse._

~~

_Yes, Kai could still ride with such an injury – but could he run for his horse?_  
Why will he not submit to me?  
What do I have to do, to prove myself his better? 

“Now, no more, Kai. You’ve had your fun.”

_Llud cannot know the truth of his words._

_Our horses thunder towards each other._

_On the fourth pass, I am hit._

_Kai’s spear – un-bated – rips my tunic; I see my own blood welling up._

_Kai has wounded me!_

_I ride at him in fury, and belabour him with my spear, and I am the stronger. I knock Kai’s spear from his grip._

_But he rides off to draw his axe._

_He cannot fight a spear with an axe!_

_And yet his face is set; determined._

_I abandon my spear, and draw my sword._

“Arthur. That’s enough!”

_Llud cannot put the blame for this on me!_

“It’s a game, Llud. Only a game.”

_I have given up the advantage of my spear; what more proof does he need?_

~~

_Arthur could have ended it right there: laughed at the inequality of the contest – his huge spear, against my axe – and thrown his weapon down. But he chose to carry on._

_It comes to me – a revelation – that I could die here today, at Arthur’s hand._

_I cannot let that happen._

_Whatever I have done to bring him to this pass, I cannot let him do that to himself. Somehow, I must preserve both his life and dignity, and mine._

_But now he fights as against a sworn enemy, and the madness that has claimed him threatens to take me too._  
I smash Arthur’s shield.  
He does the same to mine. 

_We ride apart, then come at each other at speed.  
On the second pass, he cuts my stirrup; sends me tumbling from my horse._

_A man on a horse is worth ten on foot._

_Arthur, on a horse, is worth twenty._

_I get to my feet, and ready myself for what must surely be my last fight._

_But Arthur dismounts._

“I wouldn’t want you to say that my horse beat you.”

_My hurt pride answers for me._

“Your horse would have a better chance.”

_We fight – sword against axe – and here is my chance to end this. I have one trick Arthur never learned to counter; I use it, and his sword flies off, out of reach._

_Surely now, he must give me the day._

_But he runs to his horse, and fetches a short sword from behind his saddle._

_He cannot fight me with that, and win._

_I laugh, but it is the laughter of desperation. I cannot – will not – submit. Not now, after the way he has treated me this day, when I have ill-deserved it._

_Nor can I cut him down._

“Give me one of those. A fair exchange. The advantage of my axe for your horse.”

_As if this were still a game, and each playing fair with the other, I throw my axe away to land in the mud by the stream; as if this were still a game, Arthur throws me the sword, and gets another._

_We fight._

_Arthur wants to kill me._

_He wants to kill me, and expunge what we did from the face of the earth._

_Was it so terrible a thing, to have taken what I longed for? Given him what he desired? If blame there is, I am not the only one should bear it._

_Arthur draws blood on my flank._

“You forget – the Romans taught me the short sword.”

_I have done all I can.  
Now I must defend my life. _

“I’ve killed Romans with it.”

_I wound Arthur on the arm, and it enrages him. He grows careless; falls, and drops his sword, and in this moment he is just an enemy on the ground, and I must press my advantage._

_I leap towards him, my sword ready to spit him, but I am tricked and tripped by Arthur, as I have been all this day._

~~

_Our bodies press close against each other, as they were last night; natural; inevitable – but now in mortal struggle: our hands at each other’s throats._

_I must kill him – or be forever his._

~~

_Arthur is unarmed, and I still have my dagger by my side._

_But I cannot use it._

_I can’t._

_I try to knock him out, but I am weary; my blows are weak._

_We roll down the bank into the brook, still fighting._

_Here, in the water, we fight with fists._

_First one and then the other is thrown down into the cold sucking mud._

_Our clothes are soaked, our limbs feel like lead._

_Now it is my turn to fall, and – as I wallow in the mud – I see Arthur snatching up my axe._

_He means to use it._

_Something inside me dies, yet I’m still moving when the blade whistles past my ear and buries itself with a sickening thud where my head should have been._

_I leap to my feet, and now, at the end of all things, I draw my dagger._

_Is this it, Little Brother? Has it come to this? Do both our lives end here?_

_They should have been just beginning._

~~

_I stare at the axe, its head sinking into the mud; at Kai, standing at bay, shaking with cold and weariness, his dagger in his hand._

_He had it all along._

_He could have killed me while we struggled on the ground; could have killed me at any time._

_I have defeated no one but myself._

_I throw the axe away._

_If Kai wishes to kill me now, it will be no more nor less than I deserve._

_Kai blinks; lowers and sheathes his weapon; collapses to his haunches, and then to his knees._

_His chest is heaving._

_Kai, my Kai, what have I done to us?_

_I sink to my knees beside him, and he turns to look at me, suspicion warring with hope._

_I lay my hand gently upon his head._

_A shudder runs through us both, at what might have been._

_He leans on me, his forehead on my chest, and I hold him for a moment._

_Then we break apart, and Kai splashes cold water on his face to wash away the mud and tears, and I do likewise._

_We turn to climb the bank. I see Kai’s axe still lying in the mud. I do not dare lay hands on it again, but touch Kai’s arm, and point to it; Kai nods, and picks it up._

_Then we help each other climb the hill to where Llud and the discordant cousins wait: relieved expressions on their faces._

~~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai discovers what is troubling Arthur, and does something about it.

I exchange a glance with Kai; it means more than any words.

Llud cuts Garet and Gawain’s bonds.

“I hope you now appreciate the danger and folly of your feuding,” I say to them, straight-faced.

Llud gives me an astonished look; he turns the same reproachful gaze on Kai.

Garet and Gawain stare, wide-eyed, at each other, then at us. 

“You mean …?”

“You didn’t …?”

“What?” Kai snorts, and slaps me on the back. “You thought Arthur and I would really try to kill each other?”

I say: “We had to bring you to your senses. I cannot afford to send two good fighting men to Gaul.”

Gawain raises his eyebrows, Garet shakes his head, and then they both mount up, and go their way. 

~~

Llud is not best-pleased with either of us. As soon as Garet and Gawain have ridden out of sight, he turns in his saddle. “I’m going on ahead, to make camp near the ford. Try not to kill each other with your stupid games before you get there, won’t you?”

Not waiting for a reply, he kicks his horse on, but before he is hidden by the trees, he calls out over his shoulder, “You may have gulled those two half-wits, but you don’t fool me.”

~~

Kai edges his horse closer to mine. “We should bind this wound.” He points to the injury on my arm.

“It’s nothing.”

“Small wounds can still fester. Let me tend to it. We don’t need two Silverhands in the village.”

I feel ashamed to find Kai so concerned for me, after what I have done; I cannot refuse him. We dismount; Kai unpacks some supplies – a clean cloth and a pot of salve – and we sit upon the ground, our horses cropping grass nearby.

I remove my tunic. Kai doesn’t look at me, but keeps his whole attention on the wound on my right arm, and – after that – the other injury, on my left shoulder.

Then I remember that he, too, is wounded – a shallow cut across his ribs.

We have done each other so much harm today: I wonder – will it ever be repaired?

“Now you,” I say, pointing to the wound.

He removes his shirt, and – as I tend his injury – he says, “Arthur, I’m sorry.”

I freeze. “What cause have you to be sorry? It was I who nearly …”

He shrugs, and looks away.

I know he cannot answer the question.

I do not even know the answer myself.

“Last night –”

“Last night –”

“I went too far,” Kai says. “I will not ask that of you again.”

My heart contracts. My shame is conquered by desire. I look into his eyes. “You did not ask anything I was not prepared to give.”

Kai’s brow creases. “Then …?”

“I do not know, Kai.”

“Do you fear me?”

“No!” I look away. “And, yes. To lead, I must be respected. Especially by you, who are my right hand. And last night –”

“Arthur, my respect for you is no less now than it was yesterday.”

“How can that be?” I shake my head. “I know the way you speak of the women you have bedded and discarded – the way you laugh at them, and tell me all their secrets.” I blink back some few tears. “Am I to be the next subject of your jokes?”

“No!” Kai puts his hand on my arm. “I spoke of those things to you, Arthur – only you. Because I wanted you to know that while they had my body, none of these women had my heart. I was waiting for you.”

“And now you have had me.” I shrug his hand off. “Seen me –” 

“As you have had me, and seen me,” Kai says quietly. He is on his knees before me. He takes my hand, and clasps it in his lap. “Yet still, I have trust in you.”

“It was not the same for you.” I will him to understand.

Kai tilts his head. “The night after tomorrow …” He swallows. “Llud is going south, to his cousin’s wedding.” He grips my hand as though it were a lifeline. “We will have the Longhouse to ourselves, gods willing.”

“You want –”

“Yes.” He clasps my right forearm with his right hand.

I return the grip. “And you can forgive me –”

“For trying to split me, like a log for the hearth?” He cuffs the back of my head. “Of course.”

~~

This day has lead in its boots. 

Arthur is watching me with hunger in his eyes, and – yes, I am a little afraid.

I have lost no respect for Arthur, nor will I. It takes courage to give oneself, as Arthur did that night. I know, because I am summoning up the same for myself.

I have never …

Then Llud begins to equivocate about whether he will attend these festivities; his shoulder aches, and it is a few hours’ ride to get there.

Arthur and I look into each other’s eyes, see each other’s dismay, and burst into peals of laughter.

Llud stares at us, shakes his head, and picks up his saddlebags. “I think I’ll get out of here – I’ll probably get more rest at this wedding, than at home with you two moonstruck fools.” 

With that, he departs, and – with intense relief – we watch him go. But it is only midday, so with thundering hearts and sweating palms, we go about our duties.

When evening comes, I go down to the river to bathe.

Arthur is there before me.

I join him in the water, but this time, we don’t lark about, ducking and splashing, as was our habit … before.

Arthur submerges himself completely, then rises, all gooseflesh and taut muscle, his dark hair plastered to his scalp. My eyes track the rivulets of water from Arthur’s hair as they take their meandering paths down his chest; I stare at a droplet making its way down to Arthur’s left nipple – grown dark and hard from the cold.

Then I feel Arthur watching me, watching him. 

I look up and meet Arthur’s gaze with naked desire.

Arthur takes a sharp breath, and looks away.

I watch the flex of the muscles in his arms and chest, as he squeezes water from his hair; I watch him climb the bank, showing me everything without shame. Then he stretches out on the grassy slope, to catch the last of the afternoon sun, and now it is he who is watching, and I who feel Arthur’s gaze upon me.

I dive under the water, and emerge a few yards away, then swim back, and join him on the bank. I take his hand in mine, and we lie together, making the most of the dying rays, before it is time to eat. 

~~

The men take Llud’s absence as an excuse to stay late. They lounge about in the main room of the Longhouse, drinking and gaming, and Arthur does nothing to discourage them.

Perhaps he has changed his mind.

The evening drags.

I keep to myself, waiting for them to leave.

At last we have the place to ourselves.

“You’ve been quiet all evening,” Arthur says.

I shrug.

Arthur expression turns to bitter ice. “I suppose you’ve changed your mind.”

“No,” I assure him with all haste. “I have not changed my mind.”

He snorts out a breath. “Good,” he says, his voice full of flints.

He stalks towards me, grasps my hand, and leads – no, drags me to the sleeping area, slams the door, and presses me against it, kissing me as if he would devour me.

I feel myself stiffen, and Arthur too. Then Arthur’s hand is on me. I gasp, and sag back against the door, but Arthur takes me by my prick, and tugs gently, leading me towards my bed.

“This night you are _mine_ ,” Arthur says, as if daring me to defy him.

I can hardly breathe to speak. “This night, and every night to come – if you want me.” 

Arthur stares back into my eyes, as if he doesn’t believe me. “Let’s see, shall we?”

Then he shoves me down onto the bed, and quickly strips me of my boots and breeches. He is panting, his eyes wide, and again I am a little afraid.

Arthur pulls his belt off, and his breeches down, and kneels between my thighs. Straightway, his fingers demand entrance.

I bite my lip to stifle a grunt of pain, but Arthur hears it, and he freezes.

“You don’t want me,” he says, a terrible look upon his face.

“I want you.” I glance at my prick standing like a maypole. “Can’t you see that? How can you say –?”

“If you wanted me, this would not hurt you.” Arthur’s face reddens. “You did not hurt me.”

He sounds so very young.

It comes to me that Arthur did not see me grease my hand before I took him; he kept his eyes tight shut, and could not look at me.

I should not have taken him like that. He did not tell me ‘no’, but I should have forbade myself. He was not ready. 

I rub his forearm, and gently remove his hand, and he blinks, and flinches as if I had struck him.

“Shh,” I say. “Look under the bed.”

Arthur looks and finds the pot of boar grease. His mouth drops open. “You knew!”

My heart sinks to see him get off the bed and take a backward step, pulling up his breeches.

“You knew you were going to … the other night. You planned –”

“No.” I shake my head. “You know me, Arthur – I planned nothing. But you it was who taught me to be ready for all things.” I avert my gaze. “Sometimes, if a girl is tight – if she is a virgin … you know how it is.”

But unlike me, Arthur rarely takes a woman; he makes no answer.

To fill the accusing silence, I am reduced to pleading. “I did not think you would ever come to me, Arthur … and when you did …”

Arthur’s face turns to stone. “When I did, you took advantage.”

I am stung. “No … I did not. I took nothing from you that you did not offer, and in return, I gave you my heart.”

“You –?”

“You think because I lust, I cannot also love? I gave you my heart, Arthur – that night, and long before. You have not used it well.”

Arthur turns and walks away from the bed; away from me.

My spine turns to water; I close my eyes, trying to keep some small amount of dignity. I lie there, with nothing left to hope for, though my prick does not yet know it.

I have never known misery like this.

Hearing him approach, I steel myself for mockery, or for a blow.

But then – oh, wonder! – I feel a kiss upon my brow, then more, upon my eyelids, and then my lips. He has come back to me. I open my eyes, and now I allow myself to weep openly. Arthur stands naked before me, holding out his hands. I pull him to me; wrap my arms around him; cling to him.

“Kai, I’m so sorry. I did not believe ... Forgive me.”

I nod … I cannot speak. Arthur wipes my tears, and kisses me again, and lies down beside me, leaning over me; then I feel slick fingers between my thighs. I open myself up to him; this time, there is no pain. 

~~

I press inside Kai as gently as I can, and as his whipcord body yields to me, I seek that place within. When he touched me there, I knew I was his, forever. And I was afraid.

But he is not afraid, and he is mine already. He said so.

I find the place; I know, because he gasps; his back arches, his whole body trembles. And now I feel more love welling up inside me than I can contain, so I offer it up in tender words, and touches that make him plead wordlessly for more.

I could stay like this all night, with two fingers inside my love, watching him abandon all control; hearing his little moans and whimpers as he gives himself up to me completely.

I knew it would be thus.

Why did I fear it?

But Kai is in need of release, his poor cock flushed and wet at the tip, and now I can deny him nothing.

I thought this just a whore’s trick, but I don’t care; I take him in my mouth, and Kai jerks, and comes with a high helpless cry, covering his face with his forearm.

When I have swallowed everything Kai has to give, I go on stroking him, inside and out, sending more tremors through him.

“Arthur, please …”

Kai lets himself fall open, and I have to take care as I grease myself, for I could come just from seeing him spread before me: not hiding his face any more ... not hiding anything.

He bends a knee, and takes hold of his foot, opening himself up still further. His chest is heaving.

I close my eyes for a moment, resting my head on Kai’s shoulder, and just breathing; calming myself.

I fear I will let him down – hurt him; I could hurt him so badly ...

Kai rubs my temple with his knuckles. “Arthur?”

I meet his gaze; there is a look of worship in his eyes.

It cannot be me he sees.

I have been untrusting, capricious, spiteful, and downright dangerous, and yet this is not what he sees when he looks at me.

I must try, every day of my life, to be worthy of that look; to be, not the man I am, but the man he sees with those eyes.

I will be that man.

I position myself; ease myself in. My heart is hammering; Kai moans, and starts once more to stiffen, as with careful nudges I work my way inside him.

I start to rock my hips.

He breathes my name.

All I want is to take care of him.

…

But I don’t have enough hands …

I take Kai’s hand, and put it on his prick, giving him leave to touch himself for me, then brace myself on my arms.

We move as one – one flesh, one life.

This is as it should be.

Let nothing come between us again.

~~

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> First archived here: 1 January 2011.  
> Revised: 5 July 2014.


End file.
